Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?!?

What is it about the telephone ringing that makes children go totally and completely psychotic?? Do they teach some sort of prenatal class in utero to fetuses? Is there some sort of "it's time for me to go absolutely nuts and flip out on my parental unit" hormone that is released at the sound of a phone ringing?

After my last post, (which you should read if you haven't. It's short and you'll get a chuckle out of it) I was talking on the phone with my friend and laughing about the story.

Immediately after the phone rang, my children started in.

"I'm hungry!!!" No, you aren't. You finished eating less than twenty minutes ago. You're bored. Go find something to do!!

"I need to go potty!!" Well, unless you are expecting me to insert a catheter, I suggest you get your cute little butt into the bathroom.

"But I'm bored!" Well, if you can't find something to do, I can find you something. The toys need picked up, your bed needs made. What about scrubbing the toilets? Wanna do that?? You could fold the mountain of laundry that has taken up residence on the couch (although, I don't really suggest that to them because, first off, they are too young and I would just have to go behind them and clean up their "folding" and second, they would find my hidden candy stash. It's the perfect place to hide candy, really. No one EVER gets to the bottom of that pile!)

"She looked at me!" Well, I bet you are guilty of the same or you wouldn't know she was looking in the first place.

"He hit me!" Well, learn how to duck faster, pokey!

Once, I read an article about this. It said the solution was to make eye contact with the child when he begins to whine. Then, hold up one finger so he knows you have acknowledged him. Ummm, yeah. I bet the person that wrote that article doesn't have any children. If they did, they would know that sticking a finger up in the air when a small child is upset is NOT a good idea. You will end up with a bloody stump after the child bites your finger off.

Another suggestion was to wait until the evening to make the phone call when your spouse was home. First off, uhhhh, there are a BOOTY-load of single parents out there. That kinda shoots a big, fat hole through that suggestion. Second, I don't know about you, but I am sure my husband would love it if he came home from working hard all day and I was like, "Sweet!! Time for Mommy to get on the phone and chat it up with her friends. See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" and shoved the baby in his arms as I ran into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, phone in hand.

At least I know I am not alone in this battle. I know this because when I am on the phone with my friends, I can hear their children in the background....

"Can I watch TV? I want some milk. He just flicked me! Where is my doll?? What day is it? Woah! Did you hear that burp??"

The worst, though, is when you are on the phone and the whiney one comes up to you and asks for something that is completely incoherent. Like the other day, Evan came up to me. Now, the majority of the time I can figure out what he is saying, but when he whines he tends to be really, REALLY nasally. I know that a good parent just wouldn't respond to the griping, but, I am weak. A majority of the time, I give in to stop the insufferable grumbling. So, Evan was whimpering and climbed into my lap, while I was trying to have a conversation, and said:

"Mooooooooomb! I wada sis do."

Now, I interpreted that as "Mom, I wanna kiss you." and I puckered up.

"NOOOOOOO! I....(pause)....wada sis do."

Oh, ok second guess......"I wanna sit with you?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" He said with tears welling up in his eyes. "I....(pause)....wada......(pause).... sis do."

"I love my sis, too??" I know, REALLY bad guess....

"UGH! NOOOO!"

"Ummmm, I have no idea what you are saying. I want to assist you?"

At his point in the conversation, he clinched his teeth as he blew out three deep breaths as if to say "Hey! Moron! Do you NOT speak English??"

So, I called in reinforcements, because Mikaily can understand everything her younger brother says.

"I wada sis do." He said to Mikaily, calmly.

"He says he wants a tissue."

"OHHHhhhh! Is that what you are saying?? You want a tissue??"

"Uh-Huh!"

Apparently I don't speak English......and I went and got him a tissue. Of course, after I was up and in the kitchen getting a tissue, he asked me for a drink. Which he had been whining for and I had already told him he needed to wait for. My friend found this amusing. I was just glad I figured out what he was saying before his head exploded. That would have just been one more thing for me to clean up. Something tells me my swiffer wouldn't have been able to handle that mess...

So, has anyone come up with a good suggestion for dealing with "can't talk on the phone without hearing the moan" syndrome? Or, can someone tell me the exact does of Benadryl I need to give to my children to knock them out for, oh, say 30 minutes? I would easily be able to catch up with my friends then!! ;) Don't worry, I wouldn't really do that....probably. hehe