Friday, June 27, 2008

Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?!?

What is it about the telephone ringing that makes children go totally and completely psychotic?? Do they teach some sort of prenatal class in utero to fetuses? Is there some sort of "it's time for me to go absolutely nuts and flip out on my parental unit" hormone that is released at the sound of a phone ringing?

After my last post, (which you should read if you haven't. It's short and you'll get a chuckle out of it) I was talking on the phone with my friend and laughing about the story.

Immediately after the phone rang, my children started in.

"I'm hungry!!!" No, you aren't. You finished eating less than twenty minutes ago. You're bored. Go find something to do!!

"I need to go potty!!" Well, unless you are expecting me to insert a catheter, I suggest you get your cute little butt into the bathroom.

"But I'm bored!" Well, if you can't find something to do, I can find you something. The toys need picked up, your bed needs made. What about scrubbing the toilets? Wanna do that?? You could fold the mountain of laundry that has taken up residence on the couch (although, I don't really suggest that to them because, first off, they are too young and I would just have to go behind them and clean up their "folding" and second, they would find my hidden candy stash. It's the perfect place to hide candy, really. No one EVER gets to the bottom of that pile!)

"She looked at me!" Well, I bet you are guilty of the same or you wouldn't know she was looking in the first place.

"He hit me!" Well, learn how to duck faster, pokey!

Once, I read an article about this. It said the solution was to make eye contact with the child when he begins to whine. Then, hold up one finger so he knows you have acknowledged him. Ummm, yeah. I bet the person that wrote that article doesn't have any children. If they did, they would know that sticking a finger up in the air when a small child is upset is NOT a good idea. You will end up with a bloody stump after the child bites your finger off.

Another suggestion was to wait until the evening to make the phone call when your spouse was home. First off, uhhhh, there are a BOOTY-load of single parents out there. That kinda shoots a big, fat hole through that suggestion. Second, I don't know about you, but I am sure my husband would love it if he came home from working hard all day and I was like, "Sweet!! Time for Mommy to get on the phone and chat it up with her friends. See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" and shoved the baby in his arms as I ran into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, phone in hand.

At least I know I am not alone in this battle. I know this because when I am on the phone with my friends, I can hear their children in the background....

"Can I watch TV? I want some milk. He just flicked me! Where is my doll?? What day is it? Woah! Did you hear that burp??"

The worst, though, is when you are on the phone and the whiney one comes up to you and asks for something that is completely incoherent. Like the other day, Evan came up to me. Now, the majority of the time I can figure out what he is saying, but when he whines he tends to be really, REALLY nasally. I know that a good parent just wouldn't respond to the griping, but, I am weak. A majority of the time, I give in to stop the insufferable grumbling. So, Evan was whimpering and climbed into my lap, while I was trying to have a conversation, and said:

"Mooooooooomb! I wada sis do."

Now, I interpreted that as "Mom, I wanna kiss you." and I puckered up.

"NOOOOOOO! I....(pause)....wada sis do."

Oh, ok second guess......"I wanna sit with you?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" He said with tears welling up in his eyes. "I....(pause)....wada......(pause).... sis do."

"I love my sis, too??" I know, REALLY bad guess....


"Ummmm, I have no idea what you are saying. I want to assist you?"

At his point in the conversation, he clinched his teeth as he blew out three deep breaths as if to say "Hey! Moron! Do you NOT speak English??"

So, I called in reinforcements, because Mikaily can understand everything her younger brother says.

"I wada sis do." He said to Mikaily, calmly.

"He says he wants a tissue."

"OHHHhhhh! Is that what you are saying?? You want a tissue??"


Apparently I don't speak English......and I went and got him a tissue. Of course, after I was up and in the kitchen getting a tissue, he asked me for a drink. Which he had been whining for and I had already told him he needed to wait for. My friend found this amusing. I was just glad I figured out what he was saying before his head exploded. That would have just been one more thing for me to clean up. Something tells me my swiffer wouldn't have been able to handle that mess...

So, has anyone come up with a good suggestion for dealing with "can't talk on the phone without hearing the moan" syndrome? Or, can someone tell me the exact does of Benadryl I need to give to my children to knock them out for, oh, say 30 minutes? I would easily be able to catch up with my friends then!! ;) Don't worry, I wouldn't really do that....probably. hehe


utmomof5 said...

Step One: Go into to the bathroom
Step Two: Lock the door
Step Three: Flick all little fingers that stick through the bottom of the door.
Step Four: Tear up all little notes that get slid under the door.
Step Five: Call Mom and tell her so she can get a huge laugh at your expensise and tell you how she had to do that when you where a kid.

But I have never had to deal with that problem :)

Leah said...

This post should come with a warning at the top, something along the lines of "when you read THIS particular line: {"He hit me!" Well, learn how to duck faster, pokey!}, you might darn near choke to death on your breakfast as you laugh hysterically"

I seem to find myself wandering through the house if/when I get to talk on the phone. If I walk just fast enough, I can keep them far enough behind me to still hear over the noise of the whining/complaining as they trail after me. But if Connor really gets into it, he'll run after me and scream/cry and then I have to run and hide in my room with the door locked and the non-phone ear plugged. And I resort to that with important calls (like all those insurance calls I had to deal with), otherwise, I give up and end the converstation. Which is why I'm a huge fan of emails and instant messages! ha!

Great post Valarie

Amanda B. said...

I can sooooooo relate to this one, but sorry- no good suggestions. I have done steps one and two of what "utmomof5" has done! That works to an extent! :) The other day, I tried to call someone but got her voicemail. I started to leave a message just as Kenny and Jacob started fighting/tearing at each other! So, I apologized on the message and told my friend that I had two boys for sale- cheap! :) She got a laugh about it!

desirae said...

Ughh.. I don't know how to fix this, but if you find something that works (besides tying them down, and duct taping mouths) LET ME KNOW!!! My SIL and I were just talking about this earlier this week.. My children can be completely normal, UNTIL they see that phone hit my ear, and then they become psycho's.. Heaven Forbid they feel like they are being ignored (even though they haven't cared what I was doing the two hours before.) Sending them to their rooms is a bust.. They just cry/whine louder.. I can't wait till they are teens, and live on the phone.. I am so going to be right outside their bedroom, tantrum throwing, and whining that they drive to town and get me an ice cream... (Payback!!!)

Dawn said...

I have this problem big time! The way you tell of your experiences is so funny though. I'm going to have to use the "learn to duck faster" line sometime ;) I don't talk on the phone much precisely because of this problem, and when I do...I get straight to the point. I also tend to walk away from the noise but they just follow me!

Mrs. Blimes said...

im just so glad my kids are never going to do things like that. ;)

Kellan said...

I call it sonar - all my kids have had telephone sonar and I have no idea how to get them to stop bothering me when I am on the phone - sorry - can't help you. If you ever figure out the answer - let me know!!

Have a good weekend - Kellan

Jennifer said...

I totally agree with the locking yourself in the bathroom. I do it at least twice a week. I had this problem outside today while I was trying to relax and chat with my sister and came up with the perfect solution. First you need a hose, second a nozzle with the jet function third a really comfy lounge chair. Every time a child tries to talk to you spray them directly in the face full force. Please note spraying anywhere other than in the face make it turn into a game. Even my oldest most stubborn child left me alone after the third time he got full force freezing cold jet spray up his nose ;)
Hope it helps!!

Becky said...

In our extended family, we've long called that condition "Phonitis", lol. Pushing the boundaries. Testing our mettle.

Love the name of your blog, btw...brings back fond childhood memories of my cousin doing just that at a family picnic, lol.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I love it that your daughter acts as a translator for you! That's awesome!

And as for the actually gets my kids hyped up!

The Cochran Family said...

Hope you have understanding me! :) waanna sis do,....that is so cute!

Bonnie the Boss said...

Nope, no suggestions here. Locking yourself in a room just leads them to pound on the door and fight and mame each other right outside at 90,000 decibles.
Okay the hose spraying idea cracked me up! Where is the dang hose when you need it.

Anonymous said...

And it will continue into their 20's too. Have fun. Margie

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

All I know is that it is really embarrassing to be talking to someone I don't know very well on the phone and to have them hear me shouting, "Stop talking! I am not listening to you right now!"

Kathy said...

I can relate on this one. My daughter and her friend (who lives across the street but might as well live with us) will be playing quietly and not need a thing until I get on the phone! A funny thing about translating, my sister talks really fast and people hardly ever understand her the first time. Even as adults, I still often find myself translating for her!